Lately I have been feeling depressed, exhausted and just simply done with life.
Most of the people that I finished school with are busy going about their lives, doing whatever they want and living it up, while I am always at home or in hospital trying to figure out a way to fix my spine. I hate it when people tell me they are going out or they are doing something fun because I wanna do it too but I can’t and this makes me HATE myself coz I am not happy for my friends who don’t have to go through what I go through daily.
See I had this idea in my head of what a “normal” 21 yr old should be doing… that is: looking for work, partying, living it up e.t.c but I am a 21 yr old who stay’s at home in bed daily because of the pain in my back.
and because I wasn’t living up to the idea of what a “normal”21 yr old should be doing, I felt disappointed, guilty, depressed, angry, depressed. I wanted my boyfriend to cheat on me ( I know I’m crazy) so I can have an excuse to leave him, According to me I didn’t deserve to live, my body was betraying me, I wanted to be perfect and there I was not even close to it.
But after watching this video, http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html something clicked. Now I believed that I didn’t need to aim for this perfect idea of myself. Instead, I’ve come to accept the me with all my flaws because I’ve learnt that having flaws isn’t a bad thing.
I’m okay with being imperfect; I’m okay with me. The guilt I feel slowly has been lifting off of me, even though sometimes I go back to that depressed, unhappy, grumpy version of myself. Having things I don’t like about myself isn’t a reason to think the worst about me. Instead, I can accept I have things that aren’t great in my life or for my health and still say that I’m okay.
Think about it this way: we can be perfect and not loved or we can be imperfect but loved. All my life I’ve wanted perfection over love. Now I want love over perfection, I want the love of my hubby, my family and friends. So there’s no need to strive for perfection anymore.
I hope this helps all the people who think they need to be perfect, Let go of who you think you should be, and just be. Take that burden off your shoulders of who you think you should be. Just be. You don’t have to be anyone else than who you are.